That Shet I Don't Like About Traveling

Having just gotten back from a cross-country trip to/from Massachusetts, I've got some freshies in my head when it comes to some things that really grind my gears when traveling.

This is just some of that shet I don't like about getting from hither to yon:

- Businessmen going through the first class line. I hate them and want to punch them all in the throats. Specifically when they're wearing light colored khakis with a navy blue blazer with gold buttons on the cuffs. That outfit especially makes me want to make you choke on your company-bought smart phone.

- Layovers that are less than an hour long. It's just too damn stressful to get to your connecting flights with a layover that short.

- People who take up more than their 1 single purchased seat. Just because I don't take up the entire width of my seat doesn't mean I need you to help me fill in the rest of the space. I don't understand how on earth you'd think it's appropriate to be in my seat. How many times do our never-met-before bodies need to touch each other before you realize you're invading someone else's personal space in what is already a claustrophobic environment? Totally effing rude. PUSH. OVER.

- People who need to be told multiple times to power down their electronics or put their seats upright. Why can't people follow basic instructions? The flight attendant isn't your babysitter. Do you need her to follow you into the restroom and remind you a few times to wipe ya bum as well??

- People who - despite being seated in the back of the plane with at least 120 people in front of them who are not moving anytime soon - insist upon standing up in the aisle immediately to get their bags from the overhead compartment when we pull up to the jetway. If you're wondering, on my last flight the same schmuck was guilty of BOTH of the last two offenses.

- People who insist upon talking about themselves to the poor stranger beside them for an entire flight. After listening to one particular ass clown rattle on about himself for most of a 2-hour flight, I turned around to glance at his "listener" who was gazing out the window in the saddest way, just trying to ignore the person talking at him. Dude, he doesn't want to hear about your budding music career or your experiences playing at a dry wedding in Pennsylvania or your "affinity for dogs"... and neither do the rest of us. You gotta know your audience, brah. And on this plane, your audience is a ton of strangers who want you to shut the crap up.

- Silver Linings Playbook. Saw it on the TV on the plane. Didn't care for it. I don't like it when movie-makers expect us to believe that two people "fall in love" after only speaking a couple of times. Or, in the case of Silver Linings Playbook, after speaking once. It's lazy story-writing and I refuse to just overlook it and suspend my disbelief when it's the basis of your entire movie. SAWRY.

- People who bring onion-ladden or other stinky foods onto the plane to eat in very close quarters. I only did this one time on a bus a few years ago before I realized it was a bad idea for everyone involved. On my last flight, a woman literally brought sushi to eat. Sushi! Were you trying to win a contest for who could bring the most awkward food onto a flight?? GAH.

- People who use the entire width of an escalator. To stand still. In an airport. Where everyone is in a rush to either get to their next flight or get the fuck home. You're an inconsiderate asshole.

Here's something I do like... a lot:

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That Shet I Don't Like

Here's some of that shet I don't like:

- Neighbors using the hallway as a substitute playground for their small, noisy children. Literally bringing small basketball hoops out into the hallway to play with their kids, as well as staging (and participating in) actual sprinting races up and down the hall. One word: echo. A few more words: Your noise is loud as shet inside my apartment. The communal hallway of your apartment building is not the place for field day, any more than it's the place for me to come out and blast Stankonia from my speakers. Your poor child needs to go outside to have this sort of fun with you. I know we live in Vancouver and it's raining outside - that's why Wal-Mart sells ponchos and galoshes in both yours and your child's sizes.

- Ordering eggs over-medium and receiving eggs over-easy. I've already mentioned how often you can find me at a breakfast place on a Saturday morning, so I run into this problem often. I never knew there were so many uncertain cooks working at breakfast joints. Look, I totally understand if it's your first time frying an egg and you're all, "Ahhh I'm not sure, I think it might be at just about over-medium but gahhhh what if it's just about to be over-hard?! WE GOTTA GET THIS EGG OFF THE GRIDDLE, STAT!" You panic, you prematurely take the egg off the heat, I get an over-easy egg. I can let that slide once or twice.... hell, I'm not a great cook - I'd let that slide at least 3 times because I know you'll eventually get the hang of it and get to be really adept at knowing when an egg is over-medium. But dude... it's not your first day. You're a weekend cook at a breakfast diner - you're supposed to know what you're doing at this point! You should be able to give me an over-medium egg in your freaking sleep. YOU SHOULD HAVE THIS. Go home and practice.

- Laundry. What the feck. Why do I have to do laundry, whyyyyyyy can't it just do itselffffffffffff?

- Cooking. I feel the same about cooking as I do about laundry.

- These bugs. I don't want to alarm you, but I saw a mini-version of one of these the other day in our bathroom. It was small enough that I couldn't make out all of its creepy little legs very clearly, but could still see how freaking fast it moves, which is by far the scariest thing about these bugs. I kind of want to throw up even thinking about it. Blagh!

- Football pre-game shows and post-game shows. Are you kidding me? Three hours of different men in suits just shooting the shet about what might happen later in the big game, then three hours of a football game (with ridiculous commentary throughout, including gems like, "Now, they're going to want to get that football into the endzone here, if they want to score a touchdown"), and then several MORE HOURS of the same suited men shooting the shet about what we all just watched??? It's too much, guys. It's overkill. And it's unnecessarily testing the patience of every woman in the world on Sundays. I'm serious.

And that's that shet I don't like. Here's something I do like - a lot: