Thursday, October 23, 2014

An Inadvertent Heart-to-Heart

I have been a bad blogger this month. Truthfully it's because my mood hasn't been that phenomenal lately thanks to all of my many aches and pains (physical and emotional), and part of me wants to not bother trying to put on a show of being chipper here on my blog. I don't want to be fake, but then again no one wants to read a blog from a person who is just betching and moaning all the time. (No, I didn't take a poll of the room to come up with that last conclusion, but it just seems logical.) My solution, mostly, has been to just remain quiet and not post much at all. "If you don't have something nice to blog, just blog nail polish pictures every Friday."

But I don't want it to be that way. I like blogging - or at least I did. It's a great hobby, generally. A good way to keep writing, a good reason to hone my photography skills, a good way to keep a little record of my life. In Vancouver it was also a good way to make new friends, though that aspect of blogging has yet to trickle over into my new Boston life.

... The scary part is that my Boston life isn't even really that "new" anymore. I feel like something in my life should have made more forward progress by now, but instead my bedroom still isn't even really finished being "put together." I have stacks of random photos all over my bedroom because my life feels so uncertain that I'm scared to commit to hanging anything onto my walls. There's still no living room furniture in my apartment. Part of me feels like I'm relying on my friends too much for stimulation, rather than working on making myself feel more complete and capable and self-sufficient. I should be taking up some new hobby, like the guitar or meditation or yoga. Actually, don't even get me started on the topic of physical activity like yoga, because it's just a reminder that I'm unable to workout due to the neck/shoulder/arm/back pain I've been dealing with since the summer. My life this month has been a series of trips back and forth to the chiropractor in Cambridge, twice a week, an hour each way, for 15-minute appointments that may or may not even be helping. Only over the last few days have I been able to fall asleep without pain medication or muscle relaxers.

This still doesn't even cover all the things going through my mind lately. It's really been a rough week/month/year. Making it all just a little bit rougher is the fact that my 30th birthday is just a few short weeks away. Six months ago, that wouldn't have been a big deal to me at all - I'd have felt pretty decent about it, like my life was ready for me to turn 30. Now I feel like everything is off-track, like I'm entering my 30's in a panic rather than a party. It doesn't feel like a cause for celebration, that's for sure.

Believe it or not, I started this post with the intention of just sharing these pretty fall leaf pictures. Apparently I needed to share some feeeeeels, too. Hope you guys don't mind. I don't have a tidy conclusion to my stream-of-consciousness blah's or an easy segue into my leaf pictures, but... um... here, look at these now:

Colorful New England fall foliage


Colorful New England fall foliage

Colorful New England fall foliage


Have any cheerful thoughts or gigg-worthy memes or videos to share with me to relieve me of some of my Debbies? Please, for the love of god, leave me something to smile about in the comments below.

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11 comments:

  1. Bailey, I hope you can continue blogging and share even the worst of times. Hell I do. Have you seen my blog lately? At least 2 posts a month are me bitching and complaining, because well that is just where I am in life; we can't help it. I have always dreamed of living in Boston, or at least visiting so I would love to come see you sometime. Do you think if you forced yourself to decorate more and unpack the things in your bedroom that it would help Boston feel more like home and help you fall in love with your new life? I'm sure you have, but talk to your doctor about all this pain and see how he/she can help and ask them what type of physical activity you can do. A little exercise truly goes SUCH a long way when it comes to your mood and overall well being.

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    1. Hey Liz, just wanted you to know that because of your comment I went on a spree of hanging things up on the walls in my room - and it did feel good :) I've been to the doc about my shoulder and he suggested that I try a chiropractor, so I've been doing that for the last month. Still not able to do strength-training because of the pain, so I'm stuck doing cardio till I'm clear to use weights again! You better let me know when (not if!) you make your plans to come up to Boston!

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  2. I feel you in so many ways. It's hard to celebrate 30. I didn't. And my 30th year has been one of my hardest for reasons completely unrelated to those two digits! Anyways, I wanted to share two things: 1) my favorite forture (yes, from a cookie), because it's gotten me through some tough times and has helped me to stay positive which is my natural disposition and I would tend to believe is yours too: things turn out best for those who make the best of how things turn out. 2) I recommend massage therapy in addition to the chiro, if it's an option. About 4 years ago I had terrible back pain from a seemingly minor fender bender. I know how debilitating it can be! I had so many chiro and massage therapy appointments that getting a massage actually began to seem like a chore! However, I think the massage is the thing that finally began to ease the back pain so I hope you can give it a try. I was able to get it covered by insurance. Stay strong and stay positive.

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    1. Thanks for the note Laura :) I love that quote - sounds like something from Buddhism! And yes, a massage would be great. I've gotten a few this month, but have been daydreaming of going back for another one. If I could get it covered by insurance that would be incredible!

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  3. Oh friend, I hate that you're feeling this way. I'm sort of feeling that way lately too (for other reasons obviously) but it's no fun. And because of that I feel like my blog is suffering because I don't have anything to say--and all the things I need to/want to say just aren't blog appropriate. Womp womp. Something funny or cheery...uhm... my cat got locked in my office this morning (I ran in really quickly to fix something on a post). When I finally climbed out of bed to check on the commotion and opened the office door--he'd turned on the freaking light by scaling the wall!

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  4. Oh hey, welcome to the 30-year mark! Don't worry...I hit it in full panic that I hadn't achieved anything 'adult' yet (no stable job, no husband or kids, no house, etc etc etc) plus failing health....so you are not alone! Also, pain biologically lowers energy and initiative and makes us unhappy and depressed. That's just what it does. I hope they can get your neck/shoulder/back thing under control ASAP. Maybe the tissues are inflamed and pressing on nerves as well? I wish I could help. :/

    But here's what my friend told me, and it's true: Turning 30 is like turning 21, except you're smarter.
    Seriously, the 30's is fun, and fine, and not a marker of expectation in any way. Just keep working toward being healthy and happy, on whatever time frame that takes, regardless of what ANYONE around you is doing or expecting you to do.

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  5. Bailey, things will get better. They just will. This is just a weird season, but it will surely pass!
    I love your nail pictures, but I also love this post, too. Sometimes you just have to let things out, and do know that there are people around to support you!

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    1. Thank you so much for your nice note Britt :)

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  6. I must echo the other readers' sentiments here! I actually totally appreciate reading less positive posts b/c it let's me connect even more (since we ALL have shitty times) and I'm a true believer in not bottling up your feelings. Let it out! This is your medium! And see - so much positive feedback :)

    Hopefully you're feeling better already but if not - we're here for ya :)

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  7. HUGS Bailey. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you to move and have it not be entirely smooth either. You're such a vibrant person so I know you'll emerge victorious, but we get disheartened sometimes and that's ok. This blog is your outlet and as the other readers have said, it's always so much more endearing when there are more personal posts to share.

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    1. Thanks Jayne - I didn't realize so many people would resonate with a sadder blog entry.

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