Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Human-Sized Spider Tried Showering With Me

Hey do you guys remember that time I was almost eaten by a human-sized spider (practically)?

That son-of-a-bitch's cousin came back this weekend to claim some revenge.

Its plan was decent enough: Wait till I am naked, unarmed and completely unassuming in the safety of the bathroom in my empty apartment, with no one around to help me or even hear me cry for help. He thought he was safe, crouching along the side of the tub in the dark corner of the room, partially veiled by the shadow of the shower curtain.

As I drew back the curtain to suddenly reveal his hideous form...

Huge g.d. spider in my bathtub
.  jesus christ  .
 .... he made his move!

Huge g.d. spider in my bathtub

I MEAN. GOOD GOD. I don't need to describe its girth- you can clearly see the shower drain in there for scale. This is no joke people!

Too bad for him and all of his enormous limbs, he forgot to consider the fact that he was perilously close to a drain, and that I had ready access to water. So I washed his ass down the drain! But I swear to god guys, he tried to CLIMB BACK OUT. With his huge arms! Like at the end of [insert title of any action/horror/suspense movie ever] where you think the bad guy is dead, but in reality he's not quite dead yet and is coming back for one more go. It was momentarily TERRIFYING till I, again, remembered which one of us was in charge of the situation and turned on the spout.

Guess he never heard that classic warning song for arachnids - The Itsy Bitsy Spider. Or maybe he thought it didn't apply to him, since he was neither itsy nor bitsy.

In any case, I live to fight bathe another day.

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  1. ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew

  2. Oh sweet mother of all that is holy HELL NO!!!!!!

  3. Hey I don't ever need to shower again, I'm good. ACK!

  4. Ugh nasty!!! Seriously, even if the spider died in the tub and I rinse that section off like crazy, I still avoid touching it for a goooood long time. I'm kinda scared to click on your first spider link...

    Macarons and Mischief

  5. hooolly crap. MASSIVE spider. KILLS ITTTTSSS!
    that mofo was clinging on to life eh? i try and do the wash down the tub thing too. sometimes i suck them up with a vaccuum cleaner.

    thats right! we're in charge here! haha
    A Beautiful Zen

    1. Dude, if you had seen the way its massive legs reached back up the drain and tried climbing back out..... you'd be having trouble sleeping. I don't know if you read the *other* spider story or not, but we DID suck that one up with a vacuum cleaner. BUT IT STAYED ALIVE IN THERE. So effing scary.


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